That’s right, all evidence* points to Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper being an improv actor cast as a villain.
In a secret meeting between the Big Eight entertainment corporations, top executives lamented the character’s current lack of believably.
One anonymous tipster explains, “At this point, it’s surprising he hasn’t grown a Hitler mustache, or at least a Snidely Whiplash mustache. His party may have only prevented him because in today’s culture, facial hair is considered synonymous with youth and progressiveness. ‘Harper’ has resorted to not only protect white collar criminals, he has also done some real permanent damage, such as closing down and destroying labs and research libraries, and purposefully ignoring Canada’s First Nations population. This was only supposed to be a one-off character, so that the Canadian economy would end up in shambles and the major Hollywood studios could shoot all of their projects north of the border without having to pay so much as a dime. The less money the studios have to spend, the more profit they can make.”
The man we know as Steven Harper is a member of a secret theatre troupe known as Black-Ops Comedy, headed by stunt comedian Andy Kaufman, who faked his own death in 1984.
Kaufman reportedly said in the meeting “I didn’t do this for profit, I did it to shake up the system. We need villains, and this is way better than the wrestling villain I created for myself. Also, if I didn’t go with the plan, the corporations threatened to reveal to the public that I’m alive.”
Writer-Director Shane Black tried to warn the public about Steven Harper’s true identity when he made Iron Man 3, by adding a character called Trevor Slattery (played by Ben Kingsley), an struggling actor that the real villain hired to play decoy villain The Mandarin. Black told a friend, who also wishes to remain anonymous, “The audience didn’t get it. Some thought it was a great plot twist, some thought it ruined the decades-old Iron Man mythos, but no one thought to apply the lesson to what’s happening in the real world. Seriously, Canada? Harper isn’t a real conservative. There’s no conserving going on there. It should have been a dead giveaway.”
The Walt Disney Company, who owns everything involving Marvel and is also a member of the Big Eight, refuses to comment. Shane Black has been reported missing since the Canadian Federal Election was announced.
Our tipster said “The actor playing Steven Harper went off-book early on. He’s completely drunk with power. We couldn’t control him anymore. The CBC eventually figured out the hoax and tried to use his ridiculousness as a way of improving their own ratings, since their most popular television shows involve political satire. That’s when he went behind everyone’s backs and tried to sell the beloved public broadcaster, along with Canada Post to sweeten the deal. He wasn’t even bluffing. He wants to sell the CBC and Canada Post to the highest bidder.”
The tipster continued, “It’s getting pretty clear that while he wants to remain in power for as long as possible in order to reap the benefits, the actor playing Steven Harper partly wants the world to eventually catch on to his ‘genius’ performance. He’s not exactly subtle about it either. Bill C-51 is obviously a reference to Big Brother from 1984. [writer’s note: the year Andy Kaufman supposedly died! Coincidence?] Now ‘Harper’ has gone as far as referencing the Emperor in The Return Of The Jedi by diverting the protagonist’s (in this case the public’s) attention at the last minute towards hatred for someone who wears a black robe and keeps their face covered. For real, dude?”
The Steven Harper character has become a living cartoon. Film executives warned the actor at the Big Eight meeting that his performance isn’t believable anymore, but then he showed them evidence that a certain percentage of Canada’s population still plans to vote for him, and that the election will be a tight race.
Screw the alien abductions and Illuminati stuff, the Steven Harper hoax is the most frightening conspiracy this blog has uncovered so far.
Open your eyes, people!
*the Hollywood plant conspiracy is for laughs, but the linked articles are real. Please vote, and please don’t vote for Harper.